The Wait

     I lay here in bed with so many thoughts running through my head. I am tired..but this brain of mine simply won't stop. I think back about my life. Well mainly the last ten years. I wonder how I ever made it. I even kept my sanity intact(for the most part:) I question what kept me hanging on when I had absolutely no hope or fight left in me.

       I remember the pure exhaustion I felt with a 6 month old baby, a 3 year old and a seven year old. I was doing my best caring for them when my husband was in a four wheeler accident. It left him with a broken leg, the base of his skull was fractured, a complete fracture of C2 in his neck and a brain hemorrhage.  He was on a walker and in a halovest for some time after that.  I now had one more person that could not meet the majority of his needs. We made it though.

        We also made it through pancreatitis, alcoholic chirrhosis, suicide attempts, detox centers, mental health stays, wrecked vehicles, assault charges, trespassing charges..DWI's, narcotic abuse and multiple rehabs.  My husband hated himself for many years. I lived in fear that I would find him dead. I worried everyday that he was going to kill himself. When the kids and I would get home from our day, I always went in first before them. Trying to prepare myself for what I might find.

        I was warped also. I spent a lot of my time digging through trashcans and looking for places in our home that he was stashing pills or alcohol..hiding money and his keys. I spent many nights driving around looking for him. Hoping I could find him before the cops did.  I spent so much of my time trying to keep peace in my home..walking on eggshells so that we didn't make him mad. So much of myself was determined to control him and his addictions. I really lost who I was. I was unable to focus on anything else in life other than this man who was an addict. This man I called my husband.
          I remember trying to figure out how we got to this place. We weren't always this way. This complete chaos didn't happen overnight. It was a culmination of bad decisions. Bad decisions that eventually controlled his life and mine.  I really believed that this is how we would always live our lives. Smiling day to day...yet miserable and lost on the inside. 
             But...that is not how our story is going to end. I REFUSE to let my story end that way. I know that I cannot control anything in my husbands life.  I don't even have the desire anymore to do so. What I can control is my own life. I determine my own happiness. I am concerned with my own walk with God. I know he has a plan for both of our lives. I don't know what his plan is...but I do know that he has buried our past! 
          So I will wait. Wait for God to give me back a heart filled with trust. Wait for him to give me complete peace in my life. Wait for him to lead my heart where it needs to be. Wait for him to direct my path how he sees fit.

Afterall...he waited a long time for us.
          

            

Choosing Marriage

     I am not one to believe in love at first site. That is impossible. You cannot LOVE someone you don't even know. You may lust after them..be infatuated with them and get butterflies at even the thought of him/her. I am here to tell you, yes that feeling is amazing...but it won't last everyday forever. If you are chasing after that feeling then you will spend your entire life running. Running from a relationship that could change your life for the better. Running from a life that COULD be everything you have ever wanted. Running away from someone who could literally be part of you and complete who you are as an individual.
       If you have decided to marry or have been married for years, always remember that it won't always be blissful. There will be times that you cannot stand your spouse. Even days that you question if you even love them. People will often say that they "fell out of love". That is so untrue!You did not "fall" into love and you aren't going to "fall" out of it. 
     Loving your spouse is a choice. It is a choice you make every single day...even on those days you feel they are unloveable. Believe it or not there are days your spouse can't stand you. Days that they question if they even love you. If you want to have a marriage that lasts...one that you celebrate your 50th, 60th or even 70th wedding anniversary..you need to learn and accept that love is much more than a feeling. That it is truly is a decision that you make everyday.
       Once you grasp that,  it makes it harder to just throw in that towel and walk away anytime something shakes your marriage. YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE SHAKEN! It will be tested by decisions each spouse makes, by arguments, by raising children, by finances, by new lives being born, by deaths and possibly at times by infedelity, addiction and numerous other struggles that couples may face.  
      But please listen to what I have to say. I have experienced the struggle that marriage so blissfully offers. I have had many days that I felt in my heart we would never make it. That as much as we loved each other and as much as we wanted our marriage to work...we were fighting an uphill battle that we could never win. I have been at that point of hanging on by a final thread. I have filed for divorce myself. All I could see was a hopeless future filled with heartache, disappointment, failures and endless nights of crying. I had given up. I felt like a complete failure. Our marriage was ending how everyone had believed it would all along.
       I finally realized I did need to give it up. I needed to give it up to God. I needed to let go of every struggle, every heartache, every fear, every hurt. I needed to give my marriage and my life to God. That is exactly what I did. Early in the morning...alone on the bathroom floor I let go of all of it. I let go of trying to control my future..my husband...my marriage. I let go of trying to be a perfect parent. I let go of it all completely and begged God to take it. 
       He took it all. He took every heartache and failure that I clung too so tightly. He took my marriage, my children and my life. I finally willingly gave it up. He wasn't going to take these things from me...I had to let go. I did..I completely let go for the first time in my life. 
       Giving it all up to God was by far the best thing I could have ever done in my life. I am far from perfect...I will never be perfect. My family will never be perfect. I do know though that we rest in his hands. He surrounds us..and will carry us even when we cannot carry ourselves. I am choosing marriage..I am choosing to love this man everyday for the rest of my life...I am choosing to be hopeful. 

Give It Away

          It is very difficult to put into words what it feels like to lose your mind.  It's impossible to find words to describe what a shattered heart feels like. When you are so broken that you can't even tell what you are feeling anymore. I have questioned if God is hearing my cries, or if he even cares anymore. I have tried to be so strong and have prayed to just feel numb. I have fallen apart silently on the inside and at other times cried in anguish and beat my fists into my pillow...begging God to take my pain away.

         I needed to hear from God in a desperate way. I needed him to tell me what to do with my life and my marriage.  To direct my decisions and give me a peace so strong it was undeniably from him.  I started pouring my heart out to God and it didn't take long for me to hit my knees. I realized quickly I was exactly where I needed to be. With a broken spirit I gave it all away. I cried in anguish to God and handed my marriage and my husband over to him. Begging him to take it..believing he has a plan for our lives.

            Well God is showing up. He is showing up through the work and hearts of other people. Strangers who have no obligation to care or to help us.  He is answering prayers. He is working out his plan for our lives.  I just had to give it to him.👆

Stay in hell

          I woke up this morning...Thank God. I woke up though with so many emotions..I am angry & scared.  I am shaken and feel hopeless once again.  I can't stop these tears from flowing down my face and I can't stop my heart from hurting. I woke up wanting to throw in the towel and just run away.
          Those same thoughts that used to run through my head on a daily basis crept back in. The ones that tell me to quit dreaming. That tell me my family will never do any better. We will always be the same and to just accept you will be another statistic. Those thoughts that scream at me to give up...and make me question why I ever thought I was any different than any other person who became a teenage mom.  Who married that teenage boy and who have pushed through hell and back.  Statistics show they won't make it...statistics show that alcoholics and drug addicts will relapse. They will never make it.  So quit dreaming..quit hoping...quit fighting this battle you are tired if fighting.
             So I sit here on my porch and cry. I hate this..I'm not a crier. I want to be strong all the time..in all aspects of my life. But I feel like I am breaking into a million little pieces.
              I know this is the devil talking to me...making me believe these things that I have tried so hard to forget. He is trying to convince me to give up.  I don't need to hear from him. He needs to stay in hell and out of my mind. I need so desperately to hear from God...
           

The Okay Mom

        I have never...ever claimed to be a fantastic mother. I am more of an okay mom...and I am completely okay with that.  I often joke about needing that mom of the year t shirt passed my direction. I am so far from an overachieving mother...I am borderline slacker..or am I?       

           Society makes all mothers feel like they have to outdo the next mother in line. Well, I think that's horseshit! It is really okay to not be a member of the PTO..to not be that homeroom mom who shows up with handmade cards and individualized goodies for each kid. You could be like me and not be a homeroom mom at all.

            I am not that mother who picks their kids up for surprise lunches. I am also not concerned if they are dressed head to toe in custom little outfits. Those outfits would just overshadow how cute my kids are anyway;)  I never got any of that from my mom and I turned out alright. 

            I hate all the birthday parties that are completely over the top...and all of this starts before the baby is even born. Party because you're pregnant, party to find out the gender..etc...etc. The over the top 1st birthday party..YOUR BABY WILL NEVER REMEMBER THIS..NOR CARE. Who is the party for..the baby or the guests, because I am pretty sure your baby would be thrilled to just have the cake. Don't get me wrong..it is all cute, but just not for me. 

           I also don't care what my kids eat....GASP!!! Nope..I don't. As long as they eat something, I'm happy. I get so sick of the critisism surrounding what is packed in a kids lunchbox. I did not have fruits and veggies in my lunchbox growing up...and surprise..I'm still here. I sat in front of the tv every morning eating fudgerounds or poptarts watching Gilligan's Island.  I am not about to crawl out of bed any earlier to make sure my kids have organic eggs..and meat, wheat toast and orange juice not from concentrate. I am more of a grab a snack cake and get in the car kinda mom. 

                 I don't believe it is necessary to sit around and entertain my kids at all times. They need to go entertain themselves. Go outside and play!! Make a clubhouse, ride your bikes, play hide and seek, use your stinkin imaginations! That is tough for kids these days. It shouldn't be. If they are bored..make them help you, and no I don't think I should pay my kids an allowance for helping out. They wore those clothes..ate off those dishes and made the mess that is covering the house. Kids cost enough to raise..I am not giving them money for any chore they do. After all, I do let them live here for free;)

Life...and sobriety

            I am currently in the process of learning how to live...well actually my entire family is in this process. If you have never dealt with addiction you are lucky...and if you have or currently are...God bless you.  It is this terrible monster that consumes every bit of you...it doesn't care who you are, who your family is, your job or how much money or lack of you have. It is this vicious thing that will consume your entire life. It will take every sane thought you have and toss it out the window.  Addiction kills and destroys lives every...single...day. You forget what it means to live happy, you forget how to truly live. Nobody ever "beats" their addiction. It is a battle that will never end...only your opponent gets easier with time.
         I married my highschool sweetheart.  We were crazy about each other. Life should be easy huh? Negative...Life isn't easy for anyone. We had the odds stacked against us from the beginning. I became pregnant in highschool...still trying to figure that one out. Pretty sure I was still a virgin;) Life was good..we learned together how to be parents. We were raising our son and present in his life...but we were young..we liked to party and drink. We weren't ready by any stretch of the imagination to give that lifestyle up.
         To make a realllllly long story short..life went on. We had another child..another boy. Life was still good....we still liked to have a good time although it was becoming apparent that my husband liked it much more than I. Over time our lives began to unfold and unravel at the same time.
         The good times we had were no longer fun. Fun times were turning into carwrecks, hospitalizations, fighting, dwi's, wasted money, lost jobs, jail, courtrooms and rehab several times. Those fun times turned into fear. Fear for my kids, fear for myself, fear for our future. I stuck around...I had even more fear if I left he would die...either intentionally by suicide or by accident. Oh...and in the midst of this, we had another baby..this time a girl:)  I no longer drank in the hopes of me not drinking...he would not drink.  That is not how this addiction game works...I found out after several years of me trying to "fix" him that I couldn't.  That I could hide money and car keys, tear my house apart and dig through trashcans daily..but none of this was going to stop his addiction.
           We split...in one of his drunken tyrants I dropped him off at the rescue mission. He had nowhere else to go. There was nobody left...all bridges had been burnt. It was hard. We lived seperately for 6 months.  I believed if he didn't have us it would be enough for him to get sober. Newsflash...nothing is enough, not your job, not money, not your spouse and not even your kids. Addiction becomes bigger than you are.
          So after years of myself not drinking...not even a drop. I had this really brilliant idea that if I couldn't beat it...I would just join him. Genius..I know. I loved him..I didn't want to live my life without him...We needed each other.
         So we drank. We drank to relax, we drank to have fun, we drank when we were stressed. I myself eventually had an excuse to drink everyday as well. It became routine and normal for us. We couldn't really enjoy life or do anything fun without drinking. We continued to remain functional. We got up, went to work, took care of the kids..and then...we drank. We drank until we felt really good and really bad the next day. When the bad wore off...we drank again. This became our norm.  We both knew it was a problem. We had many conversations about cutting back...but to quit completely was terrifying. How could anybody live like that? Sober...all the time.
          The functional part of our lives ended up dysfunctional...well it was all along but was brought to light when my husband became very sick. He couldn't function. He couldn't work. He could not get out of bed without his blood pressure and heart rate going through the roof. He couldn't eat without vomiting...and at times bloody vomit. We both knew his life was going to be cut very short. His doc was very blunt with him...he either quit drinking or he was going to die.  Stopping this cycle was unreachable alone. He continued to drink..and sleep. That was all his life consisted of. Without drinking his body felt like it was dying also. He tried to quit..but the uncontrollable shaking, sweating, dizziness and nausea would lead him straight back to the bottle.
          One day he decided he wanted to live. The next day I sent my extremely sick husband on a plane to California. He was admitted for detox and then an amazing rehab center. We had hope again for the first time in years:) While he was gone I continued to drink. Each day telling myself that tomorrow was the day I would stop. I actually told myself this until the day before I went to pick him back up....boy time got away from me;) I had so many mixed emotions about our new life together. I enjoyed drinking and wasn't ready to give it up. I knew I had to though..for myself and for him. I had so many questions in my head. How were we going to enjoy life? How about our friends..would they even want to be around us anymore? Would we even like each other sober? Could we even do this???
               Well...we are doing it! We like each other...our friends still like us and we are enjoying life. I can't speak for him..but I do still think about how good an ice cold beer would be...I get home from work and at times would love to have a glass of wine..or the whole bottle..whatever;)  Only now I wake up in the mornings not hungover. I sit on the porch and drink my coffee and smile because we made it another day. We are doing life sober and it is a learning experience. We are having fun sober, we are enjoying our kids sober, we are talking sober....and then there is sober sex..and that's a post in itself!lol

Either way...I can't remeber who said this, but I keep it in my head. "One is too many and a thousand is never enough" True story:)
         

So here I am, deciding I should start a blog. Having a filter is not one of my better qualities so this could be interesting.  I am often outspoken...well that is an understatement. I am always outspoken, generally saying whatever is on my mind and a little impulsive. I think a lot...sometimes about things "normal" people think about..and often completely ridiculous shit runs through my head. It is hard to turn it off at times, so I figured this could be an outlet for me. Like everyone else my life is filled with good..bad..and yes some ugly.  So here I will write about life....my life, unfiltered.