The Wait

     I lay here in bed with so many thoughts running through my head. I am tired..but this brain of mine simply won't stop. I think back about my life. Well mainly the last ten years. I wonder how I ever made it. I even kept my sanity intact(for the most part:) I question what kept me hanging on when I had absolutely no hope or fight left in me.

       I remember the pure exhaustion I felt with a 6 month old baby, a 3 year old and a seven year old. I was doing my best caring for them when my husband was in a four wheeler accident. It left him with a broken leg, the base of his skull was fractured, a complete fracture of C2 in his neck and a brain hemorrhage.  He was on a walker and in a halovest for some time after that.  I now had one more person that could not meet the majority of his needs. We made it though.

        We also made it through pancreatitis, alcoholic chirrhosis, suicide attempts, detox centers, mental health stays, wrecked vehicles, assault charges, trespassing charges..DWI's, narcotic abuse and multiple rehabs.  My husband hated himself for many years. I lived in fear that I would find him dead. I worried everyday that he was going to kill himself. When the kids and I would get home from our day, I always went in first before them. Trying to prepare myself for what I might find.

        I was warped also. I spent a lot of my time digging through trashcans and looking for places in our home that he was stashing pills or alcohol..hiding money and his keys. I spent many nights driving around looking for him. Hoping I could find him before the cops did.  I spent so much of my time trying to keep peace in my home..walking on eggshells so that we didn't make him mad. So much of myself was determined to control him and his addictions. I really lost who I was. I was unable to focus on anything else in life other than this man who was an addict. This man I called my husband.
          I remember trying to figure out how we got to this place. We weren't always this way. This complete chaos didn't happen overnight. It was a culmination of bad decisions. Bad decisions that eventually controlled his life and mine.  I really believed that this is how we would always live our lives. Smiling day to day...yet miserable and lost on the inside. 
             But...that is not how our story is going to end. I REFUSE to let my story end that way. I know that I cannot control anything in my husbands life.  I don't even have the desire anymore to do so. What I can control is my own life. I determine my own happiness. I am concerned with my own walk with God. I know he has a plan for both of our lives. I don't know what his plan is...but I do know that he has buried our past! 
          So I will wait. Wait for God to give me back a heart filled with trust. Wait for him to give me complete peace in my life. Wait for him to lead my heart where it needs to be. Wait for him to direct my path how he sees fit.

Afterall...he waited a long time for us.
          

            

Choosing Marriage

     I am not one to believe in love at first site. That is impossible. You cannot LOVE someone you don't even know. You may lust after them..be infatuated with them and get butterflies at even the thought of him/her. I am here to tell you, yes that feeling is amazing...but it won't last everyday forever. If you are chasing after that feeling then you will spend your entire life running. Running from a relationship that could change your life for the better. Running from a life that COULD be everything you have ever wanted. Running away from someone who could literally be part of you and complete who you are as an individual.
       If you have decided to marry or have been married for years, always remember that it won't always be blissful. There will be times that you cannot stand your spouse. Even days that you question if you even love them. People will often say that they "fell out of love". That is so untrue!You did not "fall" into love and you aren't going to "fall" out of it. 
     Loving your spouse is a choice. It is a choice you make every single day...even on those days you feel they are unloveable. Believe it or not there are days your spouse can't stand you. Days that they question if they even love you. If you want to have a marriage that lasts...one that you celebrate your 50th, 60th or even 70th wedding anniversary..you need to learn and accept that love is much more than a feeling. That it is truly is a decision that you make everyday.
       Once you grasp that,  it makes it harder to just throw in that towel and walk away anytime something shakes your marriage. YOUR MARRIAGE WILL BE SHAKEN! It will be tested by decisions each spouse makes, by arguments, by raising children, by finances, by new lives being born, by deaths and possibly at times by infedelity, addiction and numerous other struggles that couples may face.  
      But please listen to what I have to say. I have experienced the struggle that marriage so blissfully offers. I have had many days that I felt in my heart we would never make it. That as much as we loved each other and as much as we wanted our marriage to work...we were fighting an uphill battle that we could never win. I have been at that point of hanging on by a final thread. I have filed for divorce myself. All I could see was a hopeless future filled with heartache, disappointment, failures and endless nights of crying. I had given up. I felt like a complete failure. Our marriage was ending how everyone had believed it would all along.
       I finally realized I did need to give it up. I needed to give it up to God. I needed to let go of every struggle, every heartache, every fear, every hurt. I needed to give my marriage and my life to God. That is exactly what I did. Early in the morning...alone on the bathroom floor I let go of all of it. I let go of trying to control my future..my husband...my marriage. I let go of trying to be a perfect parent. I let go of it all completely and begged God to take it. 
       He took it all. He took every heartache and failure that I clung too so tightly. He took my marriage, my children and my life. I finally willingly gave it up. He wasn't going to take these things from me...I had to let go. I did..I completely let go for the first time in my life. 
       Giving it all up to God was by far the best thing I could have ever done in my life. I am far from perfect...I will never be perfect. My family will never be perfect. I do know though that we rest in his hands. He surrounds us..and will carry us even when we cannot carry ourselves. I am choosing marriage..I am choosing to love this man everyday for the rest of my life...I am choosing to be hopeful.